How to help a loved one in pain

Watching someone you love suffer with persistent pain can be its own special kind of suffering. Our impulse is often to give advice–when asking questions and acknowledging how much they’re already doing is usually what builds trust. It’s what helps.

Want to help a friend who lives with chronic pain? Try this:

Ask them about what’s going well.

A lot of times, our first instinct when someone we love is suffering is to give them advice. People in pain are used to hearing:

“Try this supplement.”

“See this practitioner.”

“Do these stretches.”

“Read this book.”

“Have you tried meditating?”

From what I see, even advice that comes from the best place often has the effect of alienating the person on the receiving end. So what helps instead? Here are some helpful questions to try:

“What have you already tried?”

“What actually helps?”

“What makes it worse?”

Notice how much they’re already doing to keep going.

Why? Because focusing on what’s going well can help build trust—in themselves and in you.

It’s natural to want to help: watching a loved one suffer is its own kind of pain. Your presence is usually enough.